bloggingbride’s blog

Just typing not thinking....
 
Not thinking? I know, like every other moment of my day!

Solstice is grade A hilarious! She has started doing this thing where she will do something funny usually during dinner and then when we all start laughing she will start HOWLing with laughter and screaming," It funny, FUNNY FUNNY!!!!" and then my twenty-one month old daughter will literally slap her little tiny knee, put her head down as her little body shakes, and say "ohhh Gawd!"    It is HILARIOUS!

Let see, how am I?

I'm good. Feeling hyper insecure in my relationship with Michael... Itching to check emails and text messages and phone stuff. I don't know why it still creeps up all these years after but its really hard for me just to except what he says as truth sometimes.

Its not fair to him because I told him I forgave him for the past misunderstanding we had but I'm still hurt by it. But, I'm scared. So scared of  him letting some other woman into his heart (and pants). So scared one day he will just up and leave me. So scared he will like somebody better than me. So it makes me continuously concerned about his fidelity and honesty . I mean in my heart I believe him when he says he would never cheat on me, or tear our family apart like that. But it is still hard when the worry begins to creep up into me and causing all this ruckus.  That really makes me sad. I just don't know when the worry about that will ever go 1000% away. I mean will it ever.  My heart believes him when he says he won't do it. I trust him to tell me the truth and to be forever honest about who he is and what he is doing. I believe that 1000%.

 All my love stock, is inextricably invested in this man & I'm not looking for a market crash. 

But sometimes I get scared... because honest, honorable, faithful, and trustworthy are not things that I have ever really known men to be. 

So now, that I have one that has pledged to be all those things to me, I am suspicious. Well, actually, terrified is a better word.  That's sad really because in my little abused heart, mind, and spirit, I have a hard time believing that Michael will be faithful and good to me because....I've never believed I was worth all that.

Tragic.

I, mean, even, I feel disgusted.

 I wish somewhere in me would be able it just give it up. Just let it go.

Let go of  my father's cruel insults, ruthless beatings, and consistent choruses of "You're useless, worthless, stupid and not worth anyone's time or love."
 
Let go of my mother's relentless criticism, venomous attacks, and daily discussion of my terrific inadequacies as a human.

I have to let it go. Its not helping anything.  Its not fair to me or frankly, anyone who knows me.

It scares me to death to think that Solstice may some how pick up on this pain I keep within myself and inherit some of it herself. That is the scariest thing I have ever thought. I want my baby to be strong. To never ever doubt that being the sole reciever of all of her husband's (or anyone's) love, adoration, and affection is too much for her to recieve because she is some how unworthy.

She is worth every ounce of love.

I am, too.

Maybe as I teach her this earth shattering notion that I still struggle with, I'll learn it too.
 

Brain dump project is an official failure... I suck a fat one!

 

Speaking of that, Michael and I had fabulous morning sex! Woo hoo! Its

freezing here in Chicago, I had to send that motherfucker out there in
the cold with some motivation to deliver his route properly. So if your

magazines and catalogs are neatly folded in your mailbox when you get

the mail today not just jammed in that bitch know that I had a HAND in

that... And a mouth and an ass in that... Hee hee.

That was totally inappropriate. Whatever you know you like it! I know I do.

Moving right along thankfully the baby is asleep now....

Well she was when I first started this but know that it is a full 2 1/2

hours since I started typing this she is up and eating corn which I

will see once again tomorrow afternoon! Corn the gift that keeps on

giving! I hate it in its afterlife so much but of course it is the only

vegetable she will eat with wild abandon so I swallow my abhorrence for

corny poops and just deal!

But alas one day I will get her back, showing videos of her first poop

in the potty at her wedding, catching an MC hammer inspired version of

the holy ghost at her law school graduation... Something minor...

I went to graphic design class last night. I really dig it. And I

wonder if I should be more dedicated to graphic design as a part of my

life... I fucking dig it and it is one thing that I can really do at home

and be able to take care of the kid and contribute to our financial life.

Michael is killing himself to pay these bills and the cold ass Chicago

winter is no time for overtime.

Its just another thing that I need to stop bullshitting about and just

do! Goodness me! I was trying to explain to Michael about this how

this combination of low self esteem and fanatical perfectionist equals

debilitating paralyzing fear which makes it almost impossible to complete

anything.

I find myself perpetually restless and constantly searching for the

answer.

I wish I knew it.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

So I'm trying the whole brain dump thing... Like every day just get on the computer and before going to all the vital information websites I visit. Get to typing all this inane bullshit that is constantly floating around my head. I need to set it free and  out into the world and then be done with it. I realize all too much of my life is spent wrapped up in my thoughts and fears.

I strangle my dreams with worry.

My mental confusion creates obstacles actually going for it may never reveal. Sad just sad. What could be the worst possible outcome if I dedicated myself to something as simple as blogging. I mean like if I just made it a point to blog my little heart out once a day. And i didn't sit for hours just trying to write the perfect post. Just write the shit put it up and keep it moving. No need for all this drama.  Alright here I am ready to type.  Solstice made pee pee in the potty 5 times yesterday. If that ain't blog worthy then I don't know what is.

Then I start thinking what if I write something too personal & somebody who knows me reads it. That has happened before is wasn't  really so so tragic. i guess the way i figure is if something I wrote honestly about in my blog cause such detrimental damage to our relationship, your life or my life than so be it. I'm telling the truth now bitches.

I AIN'T NEVER SCARED.

Well maybe just a teeny bit.

 But I will close my eyes, cross my hands at my chest and leap. That's what successful dreamers do.

so sometimes I just like to write...I know... I know...Obviously, I have a blog! But I mean wrrriiittteeee not type! There is something crazy  satisfying about how my handwriting looks on a sheet of paper and to send that ish out to someone or just keep it too myself... But I've always had a thing about pens too so maybe thats where the occupation with putting pen to pad comes from... but i like it and I think that maybe we need to do that more often.... Hmmm maybe over the next couple of weeks I will actually hand write a blog and then scan that bitch up in here.... Might be interesting to see what my handwriting actually looks like for some of you... and to see if my  hand written blogs go in a different direction.... many some discussion on hand cramping and the perpetually sorrowful state of my handwriting... damn Chicago public schools .

Speaking of public schools... I think it might be time for the kid to go to school... I need to focus on my educational and uplifting TV shows. Her constant wah wah of mommy please read to me mommy please love me are stopping me from truly finding out WHO IS the father and I cant really sleep at night know the kind of disservice I am doing to MAURY and his guests.

I kid,I kid

The kid is hilarious, very smart, and clearly bored w/ mommy and her silly lets scrub the toilet game. I even put pink glitter and a Caillou sticker on her toilet brush but that chick ain't even having it!  So something has to be done.  She ain't got to move out but she's gotta get the hell up outta here!

I kid, I kid!

Sorta...

I think that my skills for developing her brain and social skills might be reaching there final crescendo that kid gets it... I mean she is very clever. I hate to call her that cause I always feel like clever is just code word for sneaky or conniving but she is not any of those things thank god!
 
But after a short trip to www.dictionary.com clever really only means

1.	mentally bright; having sharp or quick intelligence; able.

2.	superficially skillful, witty, or original in character or construction; facile

She  really is clever. She is able to put things together quickly can basically learn any new word and habit in a relatively short amount of time and is a social butterfly ( when she wants to be). I really really really like her.... no homo man but she is the coolest little woman I have ever laid eyes on or had the pleasure to know in real life and I want her to be able to learn grow in the ways that are best for her not in the ways that are most conducive to me spending  the day finding out how much of a crackie britney spears is and why she can't get her extensions right to save her life!   that shit ain't even conducive to me choosing to live another day.

But in an effort to improve her life and by default my life (BONUS), I've started trying to find schools that would be good for her as a person. So i goggled some stuff and find myself swiftly falling in love with the Montessori concept. Now, if only my wallet was so enamored. Good  God, that shit is expensive here. In the immortal word of the Miller High Life guy: "Ten thousand dollars for half a day coverage, ya'll must be crazy."  Solstice and I will just be taking her Miller High Life sippy cup elsewhere.

We just can't swing it. But there is hope. I found out the the  Chicago Public Schools in an effort to offer atonement for their past terrible handwriting skill development courses now have a program where some Montessori schools will be deemed CPS certified. The schools look pretty great. Small class sizes. Nice facilities. Well educated and diverse teaching staffs. And if my powers of deduction are correct since they are "public schools"  they should be free of ridonkulous tuition costs.

  One caveat, of course, is they want all students to be potty trained and 3 years of age by  the September before entering.... So that means the smallest person and I are out 'til 2009 cause she won't be 3 until then. Shockingly enough the potty training is going so well she might be basically done by new years! Woo Hoo!  Yay for her!  Boo for me not being able to watch Maury and eat ho-ho's all day.

Damn it.

Its 8:03 am in chicago.....
the baby/albatross is sleeping. Peacefully. Without her left toes oh so sweetly wedged in my left nostril... that is not an exaggeration. Fiancee/Husband went to work on his off day AGAIN.... I think that is more than a month of no days off for him... Its starting to show.. He is tiyyyaaaddddd, crabby alot, and at times a general pain in the ass. but admittedly If I worked 65-70 hour weeks in the hot ass chicago sun all day I would be a horror... I am getting ready to take gawjusly fabulous stepdaughter to camp... Lots of super richmoms/nannies dropping off their kids all around us and then me the brown stepmama with the beautiful light brown baby/albatross. We are all greeted with looks of confusion and inner dismissal of oh she must be the nanny... I'm not I't the mama to the baby/albatross and the stepmama to the stepdaughter and son... And a damn good one at that.. the kids are strong and polite and well behaved... If you met their mom... You would know what a wonder that is.... Not down talking her just being honest... Baby/albatross is awake... smiling and babbling.... Happy and clapping.... I smile and clap back.... Its not all piss and poo after all... sometimes its happy and clappy....

It's 8:25 in Chicago. My fiance/husband is insisting on potty training my daughter/albatross(I kid,I kid) She is wet and dirty running around the house with no diaper and a dirty pee and peach stained onesie. Fiancee/Husband is potty traing her by letting her run around the house peeing everywhere and then when one of us slips in(that was the baby), steps in(that was me) or gets disgusted by(that was the stepkids) the little puddle of pee or poo baby has made he will then pick her up and say no pee pee on mommy's brand new cashmere pashimina, or no poo poo on mommy's wedding shoes pee pee in the potty. She will then look at him and say blkdjoouhhhh or some from of baby/albatross greek and he will then say to me... See, she is getting it.....  forgive me if i do not believe him especially since he has still been unable to completely potty train his son my stepson who is now 10.  Last week the 10 year old SHIT on the the floor....I shit you not(hee hee) Welcom to my world folks, Its a long bumpy piss and poo filled ride.....